one week left
before i go back to jakarta, that is. finished my paper today. had fun watching jazzfest. seeing john pizzarelli tomorrow evening, with sara marreiros as the opening. grin grin. but something's a bit off, though. still, i feel something is out of the place, isn't right. finished reading middlesex an hour ago. went to folkfest for like an hour or two, by myself, and a tingling feeling of hate splurged inside me. hate to whom? myself, i sensed it. why? i dunno. been drawned with bebel gilberto's mellowish songs. so i thought i need to cheer myself up with more lounge-y music, and who else would i hear except my new crush? beady belle. deep, sophisticated. lounge-y. sultry. sexy. if i'd been watching them live i might've had blew my mind off. but still, something's not right. i haven't started packing yet. my cash is running out. i need to finish up my meals in the fridge. there's so much to eat outside i afraid to miss. the thing is, you can't have all problems at the same time. and oh, i'm pretty much friend-less now. sun's gone. sang hyuck's gone. both had had gone for the last 2 months. i wonder how i had been survived with this loneliness all along. i guess i'm used to it right now. what would i do when i'm in jakarta? i'd be there for two months. two fuckin moths and i have no plan whatsoever. high school friends? *sneer* i don't know them anymore. i hate my high school life, frankly. the guys? well, my vow was to get rid from that kind of life. i want to go clean. yes, clean. but it seems pretty hard now. sometimes you just can't hide the feeling, can you? you feel the urge to express it and it just doesn't seem right to supress it. but nor does it feels right to express it. besides, they've been my companion the last time i was back home. if i avoid them, who would i be with? mully is pretty much the only one i have at this time. i know, i'm pretty fucked up. i love her, there's no doubt about that, but love sometimes just go as far, don't you agree? well, i'm not going to spend the whole two freakin months besides her, am i? that's just ridiculous. but then again, more ridiculous is the fact that i've lost my social life. i practically have next nothing when it comes to that. and nightlife. not that i miss it. but not that i don't miss it, either. you see, things are a bit complicated over here. not just in that department, pretty much also in every other. tonight there must be people getting what they want, good for them, getting what they want. or so beady belle says. sadly i'm not one of them. i think of myself as an outsider. a loner. i've always been one. nothing new there, too, eh? to fake my feeling i guess is my speciality. should i be thankful for that? hell, around this time i don't even know what things i should be thanked for. it's like, everything, yet it's also right to say nothing. everything and nothing, both at the same time. is that possible? hey, nothing is impossible. or so what i want to believe. in reality? fucked up yes, fucked up. i'm happy, sure, but fucked up. and there's only one week left. maybe i should start packing tonight. but it's so hot. i've done nothing but complaining since. god needs to forgive my sins. my intolerable sins. one week left. gotta live up to that. i shouldn't be surprised at all. at all.